so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
