His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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