glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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