Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
