My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Two words: blizzard sex
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
