I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
