So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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