my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize