Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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