Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
