I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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