Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
