I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
