Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
