Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
