new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Randomize
