Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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