he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
