There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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