I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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