All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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