I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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