Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
