The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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