there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
