does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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