Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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