I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
