Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Sorry my hands just texted you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize