Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
