Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize