Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
