I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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