a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
