so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
