In the future we'll all be gay
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
