I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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