My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
