I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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