she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You've changed since you got that strap on
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
