peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
