So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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