it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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