I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Drunk is not a location!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize