i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
