At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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