I just pynch a tree in the face
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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