The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
