I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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