I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
