Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
