I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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