I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
