It's chlamydia! Thank God!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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