All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Randomize
