Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
