Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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