i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
