She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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