dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
