my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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