I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
