There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
