Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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