Please, let me fuck your mom
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
