I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
