he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
only you would photoshop your dick
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
