Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
