u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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