You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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